I'm pretty good at going with the flow at this point. I gotta get my muff out for radiotherapy? I don't know how I could have predicted this. Oh I gotta get my tits out now for an ECG? I get why you assumed I knew this but I only got my first blood test in my life an hour ago. Oh you gotta prod my crotch to check my lymph nodes? I should have asked more questions before now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty good at asking the right questions and advocating for myself but sometimes all you can go it try and stay still through a giggling fit because a radiotherapist is drawing an X on your mons pubis with a Sharpie. I'm good at letting health workers know if i'm uncomfortable or in pain. I'm jumpy at everything from a tickly feeling to a stabbing pain so I've gotten used to using my words. I'm at the point now where once I've gotten the vibe of a new health worker and I'm comfortable I'm just like "yeah, whatever - fix me up". I'm lucky that I've been able to trust and feel comfortable with every person who's been working on my hole.

Over the last few weeks I've had the privilege of starting private physio through a work scheme. My first consultation was genuinely very fascinating. I'd already heard good things from my housemate regarding this physio so I wasn't too nervous going in. She got me to do a few bends and noted down how much reach I had. Then I did a few more bends and she continued to stare at my hole and take notes. Very detailed notes. Then my legs and hips got wangled around a bit. All in all it was a very interesting experience and it definitely calmed my anxiety over my movement, and lack thereof. I came away with a bunch of exercises which I've been trying to fit in as best as I can.

I've even made myself a gym behind the sofa. Ted is very confused.

The living room "gym"

What Teddy sees

On Friday I had my second session. The jiggling. This was more of a sports massage and my hips got quite the working and so did my pleats. I knew she was going to have a go on the scar but I kinda wasn't expecting it straight away.

From the very beginning I made sure not to completely avoid touching the area around my scar. My first physio exercises were simply putting gentle pressure on my back with a soft pillow. After my dressings came off I made sure to get myself familiar with the shape and feel of my back now but this was gentle prodding in the shower...

not steadily tenderising my lower back and getting fingers in my pleat. Good lord that was TENDER. I became an expensive steak making strange facial expressions. Massages are fucking weird.

Okay. Let me try and explain my back. Cause I'm really not ready to post hole on this blog. The worst scar tissue is an indented circle directly above my butt crack. That used to be the hole. The trolley token slot. The gaping void. The ████. The █████. Because of how indented it is the skin around it has gotten into a couple of pleats. One of which also had sutures from the surgery. Strangely it was my right pleat that caused me more pain than the actual hole.

Basically my back looks like a fleshy Chesterfield. If Ed Gein did upholstery.

And lovely Becky got RIGHT INTO MY LEATHERY PLEATS. Oh it was strange but damn, it's working already. I'm so impressed by her knowledge and skill. My back is play-dough to this woman. Already the scar tissue in the area around the Hole is loosening up. I am happy to keep paying to be tenderised.

And one day soon I'll be able to easily touch my toes again. Maybe.