There's something of a routine with being ill. Knowing that there was an end goal meant I could take comfort in the regular GP and hospital visits. The slow and steady progress and the daily little things. Now I'm out of that (only my cheeky three monthly xrays now) it's almost strange. I feel somewhat lost. My main focus, as I am always babbling about on here, is physio and exercise. I had an insane two weeks of secretly decorating the living room which definitely counted as my exercise and I'm making sure to do at least one or two of my physio exercises each day. But getting into a new routine is something I find genuinely difficult. Once again, I'm lost and fumbling my way through life. Work is good, friends are good, family are good. But I'm just feeling a bit disconnected. Every time my scar twinges I'm aware of this "New Normal". Sorry, cursed phrase. An even slower kind of healing has now taken over and it's considerably less eventful. I know I can still contact my care team whenever but don't need any answers, I know I just need to keep doing my physio and being kind to myself.
I wanted to break this up with a photo and couldn't find anything relevant. So here's Ted's wet eyes.
In a couple of weeks it's the next young person's support group at Maggie's, I really enjoy it, the people are wonderful but with my treatment done "I'm a bit sad about my back hole" doesn't exactly feel worth saying. My boss has noticed that the day after I tend to get notably emotional so now I'm mithering about the comedown when I should be looking forward to pizza with lovely people who I have my Thing in common with. But their Things are worse than mine. I guess I just feel small. A few weeks ago I was out with friends and bumped into an acquaintance I haven't seen in a couple of years and damn, I got out-cancered. I had a couple of pints in me and was in a rush to the bus so I didn't get to chat for long but I found myself glazing over on the winding bus journey home. Someone I know, around my age and in my local circles has ALSO gone through something very similar to me. This isn't just another young person, it's someone in the same city, who's back working like me and it's someone I actually know. I want to reach out properly just to share experiences but damn, how do you just message someone you have a boats-passing-on-a-night-out relationship with and say "tell me about your prostate and I'll talk about my hole"? People keep telling me how amazing I've been throughout all of this. Hell, my work review was several pages of my boss saying "she's incredible" and me responding "i guess???".
But I don't feel amazing. My treatment and healing has been pretty routine by the standards of others and I've come out the other side sad, unfit and with a warped ego. And I'm not sure how to fix that.
If I write enough about my fEeLiNgS will they start to make sense? How many laps do I have to swim before my body does what I want it do? How many supine twists until I'm no longer contorted? How do I journal myself out of this one?
