At the end of November I got to go on my first ever all inclusive resort holiday. I am a YHA girly. I normally travel with packet ramen and a portable coffee maker. All inclusive simultaneously delighted and terrified me. What do you mean I get free rum and I don’t need to bring my own padlock??

I wish the holiday wasn’t framed by me rocking around an international airport, an anxious pacing twassock, desperately hoping for German signage that I can understand. I was not in Germany. There were English signs. But wo ist die Gepäckausgabe??? Why am I apparently now like this in airports? I watch hours upon hour of airplane disaster documentaries but going through security and the gates filled me with an inordinate amount of anxiety. Planes scary? No, admin scary. Takeoff time? They’ll be reaching V1 now, did you know about the sterile cockpit rule? Let me poorly explain the differences between Airbus and Boeing’s approaches. We have to go through security?? But what if they find the illegally imported objects that I don’t have?? What if I’m not a good traveller? Did I hold my passport up right?!

The week in Fuerteventura was gorgeous. So many lovely people and only I was judging my horrendous attempts at basic Spanish phrases. The landscape was beautiful, I ate my bodyweight in seafood and I did sweet fuck all.

A month later I was cozied up on the spare room at the mothership and intending to eat my bodyweight in cheese and do fuck all. But I feel both of these holidays are framed by such Work™ to get to that level of chill. I can’t just switch off for two weeks. There’s months of planning and preparation, organising travel and moving a fat wriggly orange thing to his grandparents’ for a week. There’s baking so you’re bringing something and not just rocking up and eating your parents food even though you’re a whole ass adult. Then you get to your mom’s and you have to queue in security and she throws out your 200ml mojo sauce. Or was that the other holiday?

There is a certain type of rest and relaxation that takes time, effort and money to reach. A bath can relax you, but a spa day can do wonders. I find it’s so hard to give yourself simple time to switch off. When we do get the chance you have to “make the most of it”. Earlier in December I kept trying to see if I could fit a trip to Scotland in between finishing work and Christmas?? How did I think that would work?? As it was I just managed to sort myself and Ted out to get to the Midlands and have bit of a chill. I was stressing myself out trying to have a nice time? And in the end I actually had a lovely few days finishing wrapping, baking and watching airplane disasters but I didn’t truly relax until I was back at the mothership. There’s a distinctive type of work it takes to find yourself in a place, physically and mentally, where you can relax.

It’s not impossible to truly recuperate “for free” but damn, it’s easier with some spare change. Currently I’m enjoying the dead days in between christmas and new year and I've had a relaxing time crafting, cooking and doing some end-of-year cleaning. Dayum, you should take a peek at our baking cupboard right now. She is looking fine. I’m lucky that my work shuts down for a healthy chunk of time over the holidays but that’s a privilege and I’m still using annual leave. So many people work through the whole week, maybe getting the 25th off. If i’m struggling now to find time to rest and recuperate without cashing out, how do people who work in retail, hospitality and care? Well I remember working those hours and I don’t think I did. But I also wasn’t dealing with the fallout of cancer treatment. (: Hey-ho — perks of being in your early twenties.

I’d love to know how other people wind down at the end of the year. For me it’s organising my closets, dipping my toes back into hobbies I’ve neglected and trying to connect with loved ones. And trying to think of a doable New Year’s Resolution. Maybe something like “no new holes”…

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