At least that's what my brain seems to think. Whilst I was in hospital for my surgery I knew I'd need my earphones for the night. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping too well thanks to being woken up every few hours by a kindly nurse checking I was still functioning. I find I'm a lot less anxious about sleeping poorly if I have a podcast on. I'm not tossing and turning and being annoyed at not falling to sleep, I'm listening to Rachel Fairburn and Kiri Pritchard-Mclean taking the piss out of John George Hague for the twentieth time.
A definitely sober selfie I took the day I got back from hospital. I was very proud of myself for getting into bed. I had four pillows, four cushions, a cuddle pillow and a bolster.
Considering I re-listen to All Killa No Filla at least twice a year at the best of times I figured I needed something else for the worst of times (I still listened all the way from episode one once during my initial time off after my surgery.)
Two voices joined me in hospital. The luscious narration of Chloe Howie of Disaster Breakdown and Nice Bloke™, John, of Plainly Difficult. Listening to Chloe's gorgeous voice explaining aviation disasters for hours on end is a new favourite hobby of mine. Throughout the last months I've learnt a frankly embarrassing amount of information about air safety and after the Air India disaster earlier this year I found myself being quizzed by my colleague as to how black boxes work. I'm now the go-to for air travel information which is really weird when I've only flown like five times.
Whilst Chloe was explaining to me how de-icer on planes works, John had been kind enough to put several 8 hour+ omnibuses on YouTube. A whole night's fitful sleep worth of nuclear incidents, explanations of train signalling and bridge collapses??? Bliss! Absolute bliss. I would say that that was the fentanyl drip that made it all so fascinating but John's explanations and charming animations really never fail me.
In the first few weeks after my surgery I was in pain, on morphine and under a blanket. There wasn't much I could do, or was really meant to be doing, other than rest. Two naps a day and walking downstairs for a tiring work out was my busy schedule so I filled in the gaps with YouTube videos. There's something about disaster documentaries that keep my brain working in a way that fiction doesn't. I didn't have the concentration or comfort necessary for playing a video game or reading a book but I could lie down in my one available position, stick on the telly and watch Hbomberguy's Plagarism and YouTube for the sixth time. Alongside disasters I really got into video essays. Dan Olsen's In Search Of A Flat Earth is fascinating but also cinematically gorgeous. The Wine and Egg Diet from Amanda Hootman cracked me up. And the more said about anything that Munecat has to say, the better.
I don't know why but this bleak and interesting content was what I was drawn to at my lowest. I didn't stick on a cheeky panel show or a D&D stream or even one of my favourite films. I watched videos where five minutes in I'd go "Oh I know this one, they don't realise they flew through a volcanic eruption". I wanted my brain active and distracted from the pain in my back. And it worked.
When I think back to those weeks my first thoughts are not of the pain, the overwhelming tiredness or morphine-induced constipation. It was of calming voices telling me stories about normal people facing disaster, overcoming it and using those experiences to make the world better.
